Stressed Out

So much for keeping regular updates eh? Things have been crazy. Had to get my medication changed which has totally been messing with me. Finally got my ADA papers filled for campus. Seriously started looking into the service dog deal. Trying to get a job. Juggling classes. On top of that, I've been sick since yesterday! Haha - other than all that, this is the best I've felt in a long time. Sure I still have some really bad days, and recently I broke my self-harm streak, but I feel like I'm starting to move again. I actually feel okay with not being okay. To me that's a huge step. No art to post today, but I do have a different blog for art now:

www.modmodmad.tumblr.com

Check it out. It's better kept and since I'm on Tumblr all the time it's easier to keep up with haha. Anyway to close out this post, here's a song that is totally me right now. Stay golden guys.

And College Begins

So the 2015-2016 CUNE college year had begun.

Literally it has been nothing but GO since I've gotten here. Classes are great and it's exciting to watch the new freshmen come in. This year I am a Sophomore majoring in Graphic Design. I'm eager to jump into some of my classes, while others I'd rather just be finished with. Textbooks are costing me out the bum this year. One of my books for Art History was $252.00 in the bookstore and because it's so new, there aren't any used copies. Luckily Amazon saved the day and sold it to me for about $175.00 so that was a bonus. I'd rent it, but long term it was better to buy because I need it for Art History I, II, & III. I guess it pays for itself.

I've only been on campus since Sunday or 3 days. My friend (wouldn't want to mention her name - it's a curtesy thing to me) and I are roommates which is fantastic. Both of us are having a bit of mental health issues but it's nice because we try to help each other. I've been having a bit of trouble, but I'm trying really hard to manage. I feel ridiculous because I've only been here 3 days, but mental health doesn't give a shit - it does what it wants.

Campus is absolutely beautiful this time of year and the weather is epic. Waking up to 51*F is so much better then Texas weather. Got a bit of construction but it's to be expected considering our school is 112 years old, but it'll all be done eventually. I look forward to meeting new people this year and hitting new challenges. I'm really waiting for things to hit full swing. I'm super excited because I was offered a campus job! I'm now working as a receptionist at Jonathan Gallery. I only work once a week for an hour... BUT it's a start which means 2nd semester I should have more luck since I've been previously employed on campus and I can cover shifts. Minimum wage in Nebraska is $8.00 p/h and it's going up to about $9.00 p/h in October or December. An extra $16 every two weeks will be helpful in case and emergency art purchases decide to show up.

I'll do my best to keep up this semester with posts - Classes might get the best of me, but lets hope that won't happen.

I wish everyone a spectacular school year (or work year - whatever).

Narrowing the Search: Psychiatric Service Dog

As I've mentioned in the last post - I've been looking into a service dog and researching breeds that might work best for me. Let me tell you, I now know a crap ton about the dogs I've looked into. Each breed I've read on is very intelligent which is why I chose these breeds, but each dog does have it's downs whether it's temperament or grooming care.

As recommended by a website called Anything is Pawsable, I made a Ven-Diagram to determine which dog would work best for me based off what I'd like to accomplish by having a service dog.

My ideal dog size is a medium small dog - under 45 lbs. Because I fly a lot and live in a small place, it would be easier if a had a smaller dog plus the added fact I like to go out a lot because I'm constantly having to move. I don't have balance issues and I don't tend to fall a lot so a large dog is not needed or wanted. I used a lovely website called DogTime to find most of my information on the seven breeds I researched. I know there's eight on the diagram but I more or less just included the Lab because they're the stereotypical support dogs (plus they're a little too high energy for me).

As I went through this process, I first created a list of dogs based on size, then once I had seven - I wrote the pros and cons of each breed. After that I listed possible health problems, grooming needs, energy needs, and social needs. It seems like a lot, but after reading the websites I listed in my previous post, they recommend stacking odds in your favour since most dogs don't make it to service status. [see list below of seven dogs]

Pembroke / Cardigan Cogri:

Pros:
 - Intelligent, Herding instinct, food motivated, work dogs, natural watch dogs
Cons:
 - Super Stubborn, can easily overheat

Health: Hip Dysplasia, Disk Disease, Blindness

High/Medium energy dogs - People Dogs, Okay in most climates

Grooming - High:
 - Lots of shedding / daily brushing

French Bulldog (aka - Frenchie):

Pros:
 - Watch dogs, gentle, smart
Cons:
 - Overheats easily, allergies, drooly, territorial

Health: Hip Dysplasia, allergies

Low energy - prone to weight gain

Grooming - Low:
 - Brush occasionally
 - Clean ears regularly

Beagles:

Pros:
 - Gentle, Smart
Cons:
 - Mouthy, Stubborn, House Training issues, territorial

Health: Nothing too major

High energy - Can become destructive

Grooming - Medium:
 - Brush weekly, Bathe occasionally

Dachshund (standard):

Pros:
 - Intelligent, social dogs, hard working, already used as therapy dogs
Cons:
 - Stubborn, recommended crate training, mouthy

Health: Blindness and back problems

High energy - not good in cold weather

Grooming - Low:
 - Low Shed, not too smelly
 - Ear problems, clean often

German Pinscher:

Pros:
 - Already used as a service dog, intelligent, working dog
Cons:
 - Overbearing, test-y, not good with kids

Health: Hip Dysplasia, Cataracts

High Energy - can be destructive

Grooming - Medium:
 - Average shedding, bathe regularly
 - Brush weekly

Welsh Terrier

Pros:
 - Already used as a therapy dog, smart, low shed
Cons:
 - High energy, bark-y, potentially aggressive

Health: Prone to allergies and epilepsy

High Energy - very bark-y dog if not trained well

Grooming - Light:
 - low shed
 - Brush weekly


This is really something I've been looking into a lot lately especially with some of the anxiety issues I've been having recently. It's been really hard on me and maybe a dog would be helpful when I can't do certain things. I have trouble communicating, concentrating, working, and even breathing when I'm in a panicked state. The most ironic part to me is that a corgi seems like the most ideal size wise and attitude wise. Corgis are actually one of my favourite kind of dogs. I just found that funny when I start looking at medium to small sized dogs that would possibly fit best for what I need.

So when it's all said and done I'll probably end up spending about $3,000 on everything maybe $4,000... The puppy itself cost about $800-$1,250. Crazy right? But I'd rather invest in a purebred puppy from a reputable breeder than take my chances with a shelter dog. Not that I'm against shelter dogs, my mom has two, it's just with this I'd rather stack the odds in my favour.

Psychiatric Service Dogs (PSD's)

Recently I've been researching service dogs for disabilities other than visual or hearing aid. A lot of my friends and here recently my family have been urging me to start looking into a service dog.

"A service animal means any dog that is individually trained to do work or perform tasks for the benefit of an individual with a disability, including a physical, sensory, psychiatric, intellectual, or other mental disability [1]."

As I've stated previously, I suffer with severe anxiety/depression including but not limited to, severe panic attacks, trouble functioning in large crowds, and even crying spells (just a few examples). I've been hospitalised once for anxiety which at the time we thought was an allergic reaction to something I ate but turned out it was a pretty bad anxiety attack. Then here recently I went in "voluntarily" for inpatient treatment for my depression because I tried to kill myself. I becoming more comfortable with talking about it so yeah.

Anyway, I've researched a number of websites to try and decide if it's meant for me. I haven't spoken about it yet to my therapist but I do intent to bring it up seeing as it might help me function better in life. The two main service type dogs I've been researching is Psychiatric Service Dogs (PSD) and Emotional Support Animals (ESA). I'm mostly focusing in on the PSD dogs rather than the ESA's partially because they seemed to be more in tune and trained more to help with the things I'd like to accomplish by getting a service dog.

An Emotional Support Animal is "an animal that has been prescribed for a person by his/her licensed therapist (a licensed mental health professional) in a properly formatted letter. This letter should state that the person is determined to be emotionally or psychiatrically disabled and that the presence of the animal is necessary for the disabled person's mental health." It doesn't specifically have to be a dog, it can be any animal. Literally. They don't need any specific or formal training other than basic commands if it's a dog. Usually they're considered comfort animals but they're still service animals none the less. It's the presence of the animal that helps reduce or calm symptoms of the person. [2]

A Psychiatric Service Dog "is a dog that is individually trained for people with an emotional or psychiatric disability so severe that it substantially limits his/her ability to perform at least one major life task. PSDs are considered service animals." PSD dogs provide medical assistance in a crisis such as bringing the owner medication, summoning help from a near by person or family member, helping those with balance issues, and even carrying medical information or medication in they're backpack vests. They can remind their handler to take medication. If you're interested in finding out more about what PSD dogs can be trained to do check out the link [3] [4].

A service dog may not be an option for some people, or some may not want that type of help, but it seems like a good thing to look into if you're having trouble like I am. There are certain qualifications for a PSD dog though. There are two categories, Physical and Mental disabilities. Some of the Physical disability qualifications for a PSD are Epilepsy, Seizure, Blindness and Hearing problems. Some of the Mental disabilities include Autism, Depression, PTSD, Anxiety and Bipolar. [2] Those are just some examples from both categories.

"A physical impairment is defined by the ADA as: 

  Any physiological disorder or condition, cosmetic disfigurement, or anatomical loss affecting one or more of the following body systems: neurological, musculoskeletal, special sense organs, respiratory (including speech organs), cardiovascular, reproductive, digestive, genitourinary, hemic and lymphatic, skin, and endocrine. 

A mental impairment is defined by the ADA as: 

Any mental or psychological disorder, such as mental retardation, organic brain syndrome, emotional or mental illness, and specific learning disabilities. [2]"

I recently emailed the National Service Animal Registry to try and get a little more information other than a couple of websites. Currently I am waiting on a response and am hoping they can give me a little more information as well as some other resources to look further into potentially getting a PSD dog.

The Psychiatric Service Dog Partners website has a great article on getting started on finding/getting a support dog and choosing a dog that suits your specific needs. Take their chart for example:

I think it breaks down what kind of dog would suit your need the best. It may not be a perfect system but it is handy. PSDP states that many dogs entering service training do not make it, so you should stack the odds in your favour by picking the breed and dog that will be most likely to work [for your particular disability] [4].

I will continue to look into PSD dogs and ESA's (but mainly PSD's - I feel they'd help me better in the long run). I hope you learned a bit about a different type of service dog and please click on the reference links. Have a great night guys!

[1] Service Animals and Emotional Support Animals

[2] National Service Animal Registry

[3] Sterling Service Dogs

[4] Psychiatric Service Dog Partners

 

A Not So Pretty Story

In recent times, fairytales have always ended with a happy ending. This story isn't a fairytale. There was no god-mother, there was no magic, and someone almost died. That someone was me. Unfortunately, it's a hard truth that I'm trying to bring to the surface and truthfully I wish I didn't have to, yet it's a matter of living or not living.

I'm sure many of you (the few who are reading) don't know me personally and for the few that do, I am sorry. I struggle with Severe Depression and Anxiety. This thing has haunted me since I was about 9 and it will never go away. Sure it can get smaller, but it will always be there haunting me from the corner of any room. I've battled depression on a daily basis, from trying not to cry in public to battling self-harm and suicidal urges behind closed doors. And this is how it began.

When I was 9, my parents finally hit a breaking point. It was time for a divorce. A 7 year case that I wish I could forget sometimes. All the fighting was unbearable. I was so afraid and so scared that I didn't know what to do. As a 9 year-old, I was forced into the position of adult leader because my parents were so busy fighting. When it initially happened, my mom left and took her with us and I didn't see my dad for about 2 weeks. When she finally let us see him, I didn't really see my mom again until I was almost 14. Sure we had visitation and all of that but only on weekends and Mondays. My dad had successfully painted my mom as an unstable and unfit mother to the courts. Before my dad met my step-mom in 2007, I endured emotional and verbal abuse, occasionally physical, yet the physical part never became a real issue until I got a bit older.

Once my Heather, my step-mom, came around things lightened up a bit for about a year or so. My dad laid off the name calling and I thought it was over. Soon he wasn't around much anymore, always at work or on a fire call. It was almost the same when he married my mom, but eventually he mysteriously quit working in the fire department. Said he didn't like it. And just like that he was home again. Soon the name calling picked up again.

During this time I slipped slowly. It started with me losing friends at school because my parents were just "too much" for them and their family. I quit doing things I loved. I stopped playing sports outside of school, I quit band, my grades even dropped from straight A's to solid B's. My dad wasn't happy, but I was struggling and I didn't trust him or my mom. I was dying slowly and I thought all the name calling and juggling parents was normal for a kid my age. The closest I had to "normal" was my grandmother and even she was a bit loopy (I still love her, yes). It was mostly anxiety that plagued me as a child but the depression was still there, just lurking in darkness.

In high school it only got worse. Most days I felt so worthless that I wouldn't even participate in most things. It seemed reinforced to by the teachers and my twisted mind. I played softball and soccer and I felt like shit because I was always benched which led me to thinking I was a shitty player. I also had a shitty choice in friends too. The only reason I stayed with them so long is because I hadn't had friends in so long, and it was nice for a change. They put me down, calling me stupid, fat, and even useless. Sometimes they called me a bitch and it hurt. They told me that no one cared about my problems and what happened in my family life didn't matter. Whenever I had a bad day and went to them for help they'd tell me to suck it up and stop being a baby. So I did. It wasn't until about mid-way Junior year that I finally looked at her one day and said "Fuck you. You've been nothing but a bitch." I picked up my lunch from the table and started sitting on my own at lunch. I was the weirdo with a book who listened to music and ate my food. That was until I found my theater family. Truthfully the only thing that kept me from taking my life in high school was God and my theater family. Only two people knew the full extend of my troubles.

Now I'm in college and I've only completed a year. I am a sophomore at Concordia University majoring in Graphic Arts.

Halfway through my freshman year, My step-mom, Heather, was hit and killed by an intoxicated driver at approximately 10pm on October 25, 2014. It hit me hard. Because of the divorce between my parents, her and I used to butt heads a lot all throughout my high school years. Once I graduated, we really started to connect. I was crushed by the news and that night is forever seared into my brain. I was on campus and a couple friends and I were having a Studio Ghibli film night for one of their classes. Dad calls at about 1:45am in the morning during one of the movies and gives me the news. I told one person and we ended the night immediately and went back to our dorms. I had two full panic attacks in one night. The campus pastor and student life director met me in the commons of my dorms and we just sat there for two hours as they tried to comfort me. I missed a week of school and it might as well have been two, because after I came back from the funeral I did nothing but sleep.

On March 31, 2015, I had a childhood friend commit suicide on her campus back home in Texas. No one even bothered to tell me until April 25th. My dad didn't even care, and my mom was afraid I'd follow suite. I cried for a week straight and still do to this day. Her parents won't tell me how it happened and even though I want to know, I respect that and haven't pried them since I asked. I stayed with a friend for three nights in a row because my own depressive urges were so strong. I'm so lucky to have such good friends.

This past summer has been hell. My depression spiralled out of my control. I lost control of my of my will to live and my self-harm took over. I was convinced it was the only thing keeping me alive. Most days I felt absolutely nothing and I would wake up in the morning and start crying. I was lost. I stopped taking my medication which only made it worse. It made feel empty. I was tired of relying on something to help me get through the day. All I heard was that I shouldn't be taking medication. I shouldn't rely on a pill to make me feel better. I had to do it on my own. Not that I though I was weak, I just felt like a disappointment to my family and the one person who really supported me was dead. I felt like a waste of space and that I was just as useless as I was as a kid.

On July 6-8, I contemplated and almost took my own life. I had everything planned. I recently donated a bunch of things I didn't need, I sold items I didn't want, I even started to plan who would get what. I had a note and everything. I have a regular therapist and she noticed my self-harm had increased in the past few visit and that I looked much more tired than usual. I'm pretty open with her and she decided that I needed intensive treatment after I told her what had happened. So July 10th I went in for an evaluation at a local out-patient facility. I was devastated. My worst fear had come true and I thought I was going to be hospitalised. After my evaluation I was told I was in an intensive out-patient from 8am-3pm, Monday-Friday and that I was on a close watch. One cause for concern and they would move me in-patient. I hated it so much. I felt crazy and unstable, but so was everyone else there. It's funny because the longer I was there, the more I realised is that we were all just people trying the best we can, getting help in the only way possible for our cases. So far I've been in the program for 3 weeks total and am still. In fact I go tomorrow. Since the start of the program, I have been self-harm free for 19 days which is a new record compared to what it was for a while. Not that it's been easy in anyway. I've been adjusting to new medications and going through intense emotionally therapy which requires a lot of talking. It is all group based with 4 groups a day and individual therapies before and after the day is over. It's been hell and even though I feel like I've made no progress, things have changed. I may not see it all the time, but it's almost like I'm being saved slowly. It's such a strange feeling going from dying, to trying to live.

"There's always a lighthouse" - Bio Shock Infinite 

A quote I've come to rely on the past three weeks, and honestly theres more truth in this quote from a video game than I've even heard in my life.

Hello Again

Hi Guys:

I know I've disappeared for about 5 months. I apologise for the gap.

All the stuff that's been posting was queued in case this happened. I am home in Texas for the summer and have limited access to the internet. Also some personal health issues have come up that have kept me from being able to function some days and left me with absolutely no motivation, but I am working on recovering from that. Please know that I am alive and okay now and in good hands. I'm learning.

Keep an eye out for a new blog that will explain that because it's a story worth sharing even if I don't believe it's an important one. All stories are important, even if you don't think so. At least that's what I've come to learn. I will be doing my best to keep this better updated with art and poetry and music; it will be all sorts of crazy fun stuff.

Thanks so much if you're reading my blog.

-Ray

Poem of the Week

Taylor Ray

Hope:

It’s never a shout,
It’s never a word,
It’s never a whisper,
It’s barely heard,

In times of trouble,
In times of pain,
In times of anger,
It won’t call your name,

I’m trying to breath,
I’m trying to cry,
I’m trying to speak,
I know I’ll get by,

Help didn’t come,
So I wished for an friend,
But hope never comes,
When you’re close to the end.

Poem of the Week

(Title Unknown?)

Fuck. It’s ironic how empty I am because 

I swear 6 months ago I had the universe inside

of me but I cried the rivers in my bones dry.

The volcanoes in my chest erupted when you told

me you didn’t love me anymore and lava flooded

my body and hardened till I stopped sleeping.

I had stars in my lungs but I burned them

all out with the cigarettes I was smoking

to get you the fuck out of my throat. The

flowers growing at the bottoms of my

stomach are dead. Apparently you  

can’t water flowers with vodka.

I had the sky in my veins but it’s

been pretty fucking stormy since I

ripped them open. I had planets 

on the tip of my tongue but

the debris from the shattered 

remains of “us” have been

crashing into them. I was

everything. And then I met

you and we were everything.

Now you’re fucking some

blonde girl who gets

high all the time and

I’m a fucking

mess.

Credit

Poem of the Week

"Essay on Crying in Public" - Sam Sax

Poem of the Week

"14 Lines from Love Letters of Suicide Notes" - Doc Luben

Hill Bomber: Graphics Illustration photos

One of my classes required some illustrations so I had to go out and photograph them. A friend (Aaron) gratefully let me take photos of him and they came out fantastically. Here are some of the best shots out of the day.

   

Poem of the Week

Punk Rock John (Poetry Observed) - Neil Hilborn

Here's to the Future - Metal Work

Title: "Here's to the Future"

Project: Found, Upscaled, Recycled Objects

Medium: Metal

Time Frame: 2 weeks

This piece is probably my favorite this year. I had a lot of fun creating it and finding the pieces I needed. With a new medium comes with new skills - During this project, I learned welding and riveting. Super fun for me. The point was to take something and turn it into something else and to have a metaphor behind it. This piece is titled "Here's to the Future"- when I was younger a always kept random keys. I thought maybe they'd open doors I couldn't get in. Of course they didn't because each key is specific to one lock and that goes for life to. A lot of my work reflects me personally in ways most people won't understand, yet that's the beauty of my work because everyone views it differently than me.

Stacked Chairs

Project: Stacked Chairs
Time Frame: 2 Weeks
Medium: Chalk Pastel
Size: 30x44in (black paper)

Seven photos showing the development of this drawing. I say not bad for my first time. I had never touched chalk pastel before this drawing. It's kind of a nice medium yet also a pain in the butt because it gets EVERYWHERE...

Video of the Week

HollySiz - The Light

Today's video isn't a poem. It's actually a story about a boy who's father is against him, but in the end supports him because the father sees how much he's hurting his son. When parents support their kids like this - I think it's beautiful. Look, let kids be kids. Please. Don't force them into things they don't want to do. Encourage them to try it even though they don't like it, but don't force them to stick with it. Kids don't understand the concept of a gender barrier or whatever they call it now. Sometimes boys play with girl things and maybe they grow out of it. If not, then I think God has given you a special kid who could grow up to do great things. Who cares if a boy wears a dress. Who care if a little girl wears boy clothes. Let kids be kids. Sooner or later they'll learn and decide for themselves. But encourage your kids - guide them, love them. I get it - I may not understand because I'm only 19 and trust me I have no intention of ever having a kid (I'm more open to adoption really); so I get that my perspective may not matter because I don't know what I'm talking about. I'm cool with that. This is just what I've seen in real life on a day to day basis. Here's my two-cents. Take it or leave it, it's your choice.

I'll Hold the Hope - TWLOHA

I'll Hold the Hope - TWLOHA

"I would tell you I needed to matter; I needed to feel as though I was worth something, anything. 

Our society would tell you I was looking for attention. 

I would try to explain my struggles with depression and anxiety. 

Our society would invalidate it with a few simple words: “Someone else has it worse.”  

I would tell you that sometimes it was easier to deal with self-inflicted pain than to acknowledge the hurt that runs marathons in my brain. 

Our society would say, “Get out of your own head. Get over it!” 

I've followed TWLOHA now for a solid 4 years now. I always get really excited when a new blog is posted because I'm so interested in what the interns (or whoever is writing the blog) has to say. Everyone has their own perspective of what their experience with mental illness is like. And for me, it's always encouraging to see that people can make it out of the dark. It gives me hope that maybe one day I'll be there too, smiling on the other side of this never-ending darkness. But until that time, I guess I'll just keep fighting it off a little bit more each day.

Poem of the Week

"A Letter to the Girl I Used to Be" (CUPSI 2014) - Ethan Smith

This poem is really amazing. I will never be able to understand the trouble he went through in his youth or just life in general, but this poem is just so honest and amazing to hear. I've never met someone Transgendered and I wish I could so I could try to understand them as a person better. I mean we're all people. The way Ethan put this into to words is just really well done.

If You're Reading This: Piece

Title: If You're Reading This, You're Too Late
Medium: Sketch Book - Ink

My thoughts behind this is fairly simple. Page one consists of a sign that plainly states: If you're reading this you're too late. The other side contains a warning.

I don't like top 40 music. I certainly don't like Drake either. The saying comes off his new album title. I read it in a way that applied to my life and turned it into a work that I can understand.

Anyway - It consists of two "letters" one called "The Beginning" and the other titled "The Aftermath". The idea is one is a cry for help and the other is a suicide note.
"The Aftermath" -  I've thought many times about killing myself and what I would write to my friends. I was never concerned with my family. I've never worked up the guts to follow through with any of it and I hope I never do. But words can only speak so much.
"The Beginning" - I am the worst at asking for help. Especially when all of this hit me so hard as a kid. I've hidden it well for over 10 years and I'm just now starting to help myself. How I don't know but one day I'll be okay. It's basically me going through my mind trying to figure out why and how I got this way. Why I let it hit me so hard. Why I feel like a failure. I was trying to explore my inner thoughts and honestly neither of these begin to scratch the surface. But it's a start.