A Short Story:
She
walked into her room and quietly closed the door. Lingering next it, she began
to slump to the ground; hands on her knees, head hung low. One by one, the
tears ran down her cheeks and fell to the floor. A thousand thoughts ran
through her mind as she struggled to keep her clarity. Everyone she thought
cared left her all alone. Pulling up her sleeves, she ran her fingers across
her arm as she looked at the faint pink scars. She thought she had made it. She
thought it would all be okay. She thought her world could change. But it
didn't.
She
thought about how her parents had divorced then blamed her for all their
problems. Useless. How her brother
had abandoned her, leaving with her father who was never home. Pathetic. Her mind began screaming at
her as the thoughts began to twist into something darker. Worthless. She began to think about how much she hated life and how
if she weren’t alive, everything would be better. At that, she stood up quickly
pushing the thoughts aside and walked over to her desk. Opening the bottom
drawer, she carefully pulled out a beat up wooden box with a small lock on it.
Inside of it held her darkest secret; her past. The one thing she tried so
desperately to escape, the thing that had held her captive each night, the
thing that had ripped her life apart at the seams.
With
trembling hands, she unfastened the lock and slowly opened the box as she
stared at the cold steel blade inside. It had been months since she had even
thought about this, but what else was there left to do in a time like this? She
believed it was her only option. She knew it was one of the few things that
could help forget. The voices would go silent and she would be fine again. Ever
so gently, she picked up the blade and examined it. Instinctively, she looked
to make sure no one was watching. Closing her eyes, she put the blade to her
arm. The rush she felt was like no other. She was punishing herself for all the
things she thought she had done and it felt good. The thoughts subsided as she
finished the first line. The blood slowly trickled down her wrist and fell to
the floor. As she opened her eyes to see what she had done, she was startled to
see someone in front of her. She stood in panic, blade in hand, unable to move.
She went to speak, but her voice was gone. She knew exactly who it was:
It
was God...
Thoughts
began racing through her mind again. How long had He been standing there? How
much had He seen? Was he upset or disappointed in her? The blade slipped
through her fingers and fell to the ground, as the feeling of shame and guilt
began to settle in. Falling to her knees, she put her head in her hands as she
began to cry. God walked over to her and gently put His hand on her shoulder,
which only made her cry harder. As she cried, God cried with her. It was the
only thing she could manage to do and she knew she had screwed up this time. As
the tears slowed, He reached out for her hand and slowly pulled her up off the
ground. He looked into the eyes of a tear stained face, His broken child who
felt all alone and all she could do was look down to the floor in shame.
"I
let you down." She whispered.
God
smiled and shook his head softly. "Daughter, you were never holding me up
in the first place. I hold you." She drew in a sharp breath and looked at
Him with a face full of pain and regret.
"But
I failed you again!” She yelled, “I gave in just like I always do. Everything
is my fault. It was always my fault. I hate myself and I can't... I
can't..." she choked on her words as she began to sob again. Her head fell
as she whispered, “I can’t do it. I can’t be who you want me to be. ” She felt
awful. He saw it all happen and she knew she had messed up. She was a failure,
just another screw-up, and a mistake.
God
lifted her face and wiped away her tears. Placing His hands on her shoulders,
His face grew serious as He looked into her eyes and spoke gently yet firmly,
"Listen
to me. You are not a failure and you mean too much to me for me to let you to
think that way.”
“But
I…”
“No,
it is not your fault, you caused nothing. Listen to me child; it was never your
fault. I will replace the hatred you feel for yourself with my love. My love is
never ending and no matter how many times you fall, I will always be there to
catch you. I will always set you back on your feet. Don't ever forget that. I
will never leave you alone. No matter how dark the day may be, I am right there
beside you. All you have to do is reach for my hand and I will guide you. I
promise to always love you, even when you are at your darkest. I will never
leave you, I will never abandon you and I will never ever stop loving you. I
promise."
His
words hung in the air as she stared into His eyes, desperately wanting to
believe Him. She couldn’t understand why He would even want her when no one
else did. Sensing her inner struggle, He took a step back as her watched her
process what had been said.
“You…
You still want me?” she asked in disbelief.
“Why
would I not?” He replied.
“I
just though, because… because I’ve caused so many problems, you wouldn’t want
me. I thought, maybe I was bothersome and useless.” She stared at the ground as
she waited once again for a response.
Instead
of words, God closed the gap between them and embraced her. Startled at his
response she froze. She began to realize
that she couldn’t so anything. God had given her grace and even though she knew
she didn’t deserve it, she took it anyway. All the lies seemed to melt away and
she finally understood that everything was going to be okay. She was free. There
were no “I told you so”, only the sweet feeling of forgiveness and acceptance.
She felt like she could breathe again.
Closing
her eyes, she wrapped her arms around Him as He held her close. She no longer
felt lost or forgotten, but for once in her life she felt happy. As she opened
her eyes, she noticed the blood from her wrist had smeared all over God’s
shirt. Embarrassed, she pulled back, putting her hands to her mouth as she
stared in shock at what she’d just done. God looked down and smirked simply
saying,
“It’s
just a shirt.”
Reaching
for her arm, He grabbed her wrist gently and examined it carefully. He lifted
His eyes just enough to see hers as he spoke sweetly;
“Now,
let’s take care of that cut on your arm.”
